Understand that your desires may not match up with those of others.
Strange how our skewed priorities leave no room for other important aspects of our lives (supposedly).
I fear I’ve been away from writing for too long. I thought I didn’t need it, but it turns out I’m not much without it. I am no speaker; my mind works faster than my mouth can move and I don’t like voicing out my opinion. Writing allows me to speak. It allows my mind to work unhindered. There’s also the fact that no one is probably going to read this (or so I think, maybe I’m just deceiving myself). I find solace in being able to just voice my thoughts without anyone caring. It’s soothing being able to let out what is bumping against the inside of my skull.
I have 3 weeks of college left. People are congratulating me on finishing college one quarter early. Sure, it’s an accomplishment in some eyes. I like being in school. I like the atmosphere of learning, the peer age group, and managing myself as a student… or am I just once again deceiving myself? Am I just lying to myself because school is actually a comfort zone?
I am not much of an adventurous person. I’m not big on new experiences, traveling, or roller coasters (found that out the hard way recently). It has something, well actually, a lot to do with desire for control. Guess I’m a control freak. Makes sense. I always need a plan or to plan. I meticulously plan each day out the day before, from what time I leave the house to what time work will end to blocking out meetings. Without a plan, I’m nervous. I’m nervous because I don’t know what will happen. No plan means no control.
Back to comfort zones. Being out of my comfort zone is not, well, comfortable. I tend to shut down when I’m not comfortable. It’s visible. People will ask me if I’m okay. I don’t feel okay right now. I feel under-prepared. Actually, I don’t feel prepared at all for the real world. All this time, I’ve just been doing school. It never occurred to me that I was supposed to do school and do career building at the same time. What a devious twist of fate, College. I thought you were supposed to be fun. Focused on grades with some club activity on the side. That’s all it was. Then people started getting internships. Summer jobs. I got comfortable. Sure, I worked over the summer. Doing mailing services. No application to my future at all… unless I bullshit my resume and say that I learned how to be organized and handle high volumes of cheap insurance ads.
Speaking of resumes, I don’t even have one. If someone was interested in hiring me and asked for a resume, my response would be, “Oops, don’t got one bro.” Speaking of LinkedIn, don’t have one. Well, I do. But I think the only information it has is my name and my interest as “Health” or something because when I created it “Psychology” wasn’t an option. I gave up after that.
At this point in time, I’m not even sure if I’m interested in psychology. All I hear is that I need an MS or doctorate degree to get anywhere with psychology. Great. Good thing I know what I want to do with psychology (sarcasm). I have no idea what I want to do. Do I want to do clinical work? Dunno. Research? Dunno. Something to do with my public health minor? I honestly only added the minor because I was about to finish my psych classes and still needed a lot of units. Ta-dah, public health minor halfway completed already through my psych requirements.
My cousin told me (whilst intoxicated, probably drunk) that he thought I was a good person and that he wanted me on his team if I ever got bored with psychology. I think I am bored with psychology. But to leave it behind to become a physical trainer/Crossfit coach? That wouldn’t reflect well at all. And again, it feels like I would just be trapped in my comfort zone. But then again, it is something I would really enjoy. Coaching people and visibly making their lives better, educating them about health, and making people more confident in themselves? Hell yeah. Fuck looking at trends of memory loss or community action plans for less soda consumption. Sure, those things help people too.. but they just are not interesting.
Funny how a major introvert like myself would like to be a trainer who would have to deal with people all day.
Maybe it’s just that I’m too fucking lazy to do the whole job search deal. Just a middle finger to it all. Maybe it’s that I’m scared of rejection. I feel “not enough” compared to others. People studying abroad, people leading school organizations, people having internships with major companies, experience in the field. Then there’s me. Dan, who just took classes and sorted mail. My resume looks like vanilla ice cream compared to the rocky roads and neapolitans out there. I feel inferior, and I believe it’s too late to change that. Bye bye college experience. It’s over for me, and I haven’t done jack shit.
Well then. Thank you for letting me be honest (not like I had to have your permission anyways). Hoping for some spark. Until then, cheers to my last 3 weeks of college (fuck).