You know how Gabe Bondoc and AJ Rafael have their own medleys of songs and such? Like AJ has his Disney medley? Well, I decided to make my own. A whole bunch of songs I can play put together, in no particular order. I just started with one song and just jumped to the next song off of the top of my head. This was totally spontaneous and all songs were unplanned. I basically hit record and forgot I was recording lol. I just played what I felt like playing. Sorry, I didn’t really transition between the songs so it’s kind of choppy. I couldn’t think of anymore songs at the end, and my fingers were hurting, so I stopped lol. Try and guess some of the songs?
So it’s come. The period in time where the discrepancy between our age actually matters. I’ve dreaded this day. Before, we didn’t have to worry. We didn’t bother with the fact that I’m one year older. One grader higher. Now, it matters.
Life is unfair. If there really is a god, I’d punch him in the face. And then I’d punch him again. Nothing ever works. There are always twists and turns trying to screw up every thing I do. I finally have something that I love with all my heart and want to dedicate my life to, and now this. Another damn road block. I don’t know who to get angry at. My frustration has no outlet. I want to direct it at someone, something, but I don’t know who’s at fault. Or should I even be trying to blame anyone? *sigh* Another boulder in my path.
I know what I want. I want to stay. If I don’t leave, I’ll be here. You’ll be here with me for three years while you finish high school and go to JC. What happens after that? Will you be the one to leave?
My mind is spinning. I can’t see clearly. Usually I’m pretty good at deciding the best course of action for a given situation. I don’t know what to do right now. It hurts too much to think of any course of action besides staying.
Santa Clara is an okay school. I guess I wouldn’t mind going there. My parents would like it.
What if I got into Stanford? I wish.
Or do I need to learn to let go?
No, I can’t. Who let’s go of the thing they love the most? No.
What is to happen between us?
Only time will tell.
If only I could take you with me. We could runaway together and leave this place together.
If only ______. You’ve probably said or thought this sometime in your life. “If only I had studied more … If only I had set my alarm … If only I had remembered.”
- Regret: a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss, disappointment, etc.
If only. If only, if only, if only. If only I could go back in time. If only I could change that one little thing.
I hate learning things the hard way. It’s too late to go back and change anything. It’s done. The decision was made. There’s no going back now. I just have to deal with the consequences. I just have to take it all in. Improve. Grow. Move on. Whatever was lost, I must rebuild.
I can make all of this into an excuse and just give up now. That’d be easy, wouldn’t it?
I can take this as a hard lesson and move on. Move on and go on. Continue with my life. Rebuild any bridges that have collapsed. Rebuild trust. Rebuild respect.
What irks me most is not the effect on my grades, but the effect on my image. I may sound shallow and conceited, but I am worried about my image. Will people think of me the same? Will people still respect me like they did before? Or will they think I’m a bad person now? Will they judge me? Give me the evil eye?
Life isn’t fair. That phrase is more true than I’d like it to be.